Whether in business or in parenting, relationships can be a tension-fueled balance between operating as peacemaker and operating peacefully. Of course, operating peacefully is always the desired status. But how do you achieve and maintain that status when other people make it difficult?
To explore this deeply impactful topic, I interviewed Mikki Gardner, Certified Life + Conscious Parenting Coach and bestselling author of The People Pleaser’s Guide to Co-Parenting Well. Along with a bit about her new book, Mikki shared her 3 main concepts around creating calm and how they can apply both to parenting and to coaching.
“We have the opportunity to really step in and decide: ‘How do I want to do this? How do I want to show up grounded, confident, clear?’… ‘How can I be the creator of my own peace?’ because the ripple-effect from that is massive… [I] have the power to create a very harmonious environment.” – Mikki Gardner
How to Price Your Coaching Program: This LIVE webinar with Molly will be on Monday, February 12 at 11 a.m. Central Time. You must register in advance for this interactive workshop style at mollyclaire.mykajabi.com/how-to-price-your-coaching-program-webinar.
Mikki Gardner is a Certified Life + Conscious Parenting Coach, a mom, speaker, host of the Co-Parenting with Confidence Podcast, and bestselling author of The People Pleaser’s Guide to Co-Parenting Well.
Mikki’s personal struggles with divorce motivated her to become a “bettermom” so that she could better help her son overcome the challenges of their new family dynamic. Drawing on her academic background, professional training and personal experience, she empowers other moms to move beyond the overwhelming obstacles of co-parenting and thrive after divorce.
Mikki strives to guide moms to navigate the divorce & co-parenting drama by becoming calm, confident co-parents, even without their ex’s participation.
Mikki is on a mission to help children by helping their moms learn to handle the emotional and practical difficulties of divorce and co-parenting while creating an intentional, joyful, and ease-filled life for both themselves and their children.
The next group kicks off in March 2024, so sign up now!
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Intro: Welcome to The Masterful Coach podcast with Molly Claire. If you’re a coach who’s ready to impact more lives, make more money and create a life you love, you’re in exactly the right place. Get the support you deserve as a female entrepreneur. Master your coaching skills, grow your ideal business, and honor your priorities in your personal life.
Are you in? Let’s get started with your host, best selling author and master life and business coach, Molly Claire.
Molly Claire: Hey coach, today’s episode is an interview with my dear friend and colleague, Mikki Gardner, after the release of her new bestselling book, The People Pleasers Guide to Co-Parenting Well. Mikki is a phenomenal coach with many certifications, including a conscious parenting certification, advanced relationship training, and more. And Mikki and I have worked together in many capacities over the last several years.
Many of my listeners and clients know Mikki well, as she has served and helped so many other coaches as they have built their business.
I love the words of wisdom that Mikki had to share in this interview. And one of the things that she does is she pulls out sort of the three step process, the main concepts that she uses with her clients. And whether you are co-parenting as a married, single or divorced parent, or if you are navigating any kind of challenging relationships, these three steps will apply to you.
And what’s really cool is that we talk in this interview also about how these three concepts apply to you as a business owner. So I’m thrilled to bring you this episode and Mikki is offering a special gift to all of you that she will share at the end as well.
Before we dive into the interview, I want to let you know that coming up on Monday, February 12th, I am doing a live webinar focused on how to price your coaching program. I’m talking with you about the things to consider and the difference between selling coaching sessions versus selling your coaching as a program in a package. So make sure to sign up for that. You must register in order to be there live. It is going to be interactive workshop style, and I cannot wait to give you my best tips.
All right, let’s go ahead and get started with Mikki Gardner.
All right, coaches. So we have Mikki Gardner, best selling author here and conscious parenting, co-parenting coach extraordinaire.
Welcome to the podcast, Mikki.
Mikki Gardner: Oh Molly, thank you so much for having me. I’m excited to be back and excited to talk to you.
Molly Claire: This is so fun. And I’m excited to share with all of you as my listeners. First of all, many of you are going to benefit from this conversation just from a parenting perspective, right? Parenting, co-parenting, what all this looks like after divorce, whether for yourself or for your clients that you’re helping, because this is, it’s just, it’s so common, right? We’re all dealing with differences in parenting styles and divorce is so prevalent.
And also as I’m interviewing Mikki, we’re also going to make some ties between the concepts that she teaches and speaks about and how they relate to you and building your business. So we got good stuff ahead in this conversation.
Mikki Gardner: I love it. I love it. Yeah
Molly Claire: Okay. So first of all, so Mikki, your book, The People Pleasers Guide to Co-Parenting Well, huge congrats on this beautiful masterpiece. I have it in my hands right now.
Mikki Gardner: Thank you. Thank you. It’s been so exciting. I mean, you know the book process but it’s like you birthed this little thing and then all of a sudden it’s out in the world. And I have to tell you the funniest one. I got a text the other day from my partner’s father, ex-marine, super intense man, like, “We don’t do feelings in this family”, that kind of guy. Love him to pieces. Sends me a note and says, “So I’m reading your book”.
I was like, wow. He says, “I’m reading your book and I just wonder, I feel like I’ve stepped into a conversation I shouldn’t be listening to. Is this only for women or can I read it too?”
And I was like,
Molly Claire: Oh my gosh.
Mikki Gardner: I’m like, you know what? And he goes, “I think this should have been for men too.”
And I said, “You know what? First time author. We learn things a lot.” I said, ” But thank you.”
But it’s just been so interesting to have people from all walks, like all parts of my life, send me notes saying this book is, you know, this or that. And, you know, to have friends come back and clients, it’s just been, it’s been so much fun.
And I’ve been so grateful for all the support around the book and my gosh, your support in getting it out there. I am forever grateful to you. But it’s just been a beautiful process and such a wonderful way. I think as what we do is to really deepen into, “What do I believe in?” Right? “What do I want for people?”
And to be able to kind of have something to say like “Here, you know, this is my little gift to you.” It’s really fun.
Molly Claire: Well, and I want to highlight this for all of you listening because I find this to be true, right? Your, your niche is co-parenting. Like, this is what you do. And these concepts that you’re teaching, not only will they resonate with people who maybe aren’t in what you would think of as a co-parenting after divorce situation. But so many situations, and also so many different relationships. I think that it’s like the niche and the focus is so narrow and yet the application is so broad. Which is just the coolest thing.
Mikki Gardner: A thousand percent. And I define co-parenting maybe slightly differently But I define it as parenting with anyone. You don’t agree with a hundred percent of the time. So that’s all of us. And you might be co-parenting with, whether it’s an ex, or your current partner or even someone helping you raise your children, whether it’s a grandparent or an in law, you know, we really have to broaden the perspective of what is this parenting and co-parenting look like, because we all have a hand in it. And we have to learn how to be like, open up that perspective.
And I love that you’re going to be kind of making this transition to business too, because as we know, business is a baby and a child that you’re taking care of, just like anything else. So yes, all the things still apply. And so it is a broader conversation.
I just have a really special place in my heart for single moms who are trying to do the best they can, especially when it’s challenging.
Molly Claire: Many of you have heard Mikki on the podcast before. Mikki and I have worked together in different capacities over the last few years. I mean, Mikki, so many of my clients and listeners know you and have so much love for you because, you know, I just have to give this shout out because you’re speaking to all the support you’ve received.
But in truth you have given so much support and so much love to everyone. And across the board, I just heard everyone saying, “Of course, I am jumping at the chance to support Mikki in this,” because this is really your heart that you’ve put into this book and that you want to get out there.
Mikki Gardner: It is. This is my next practice. We all are evolving, right? We’re evolving beings and learning how to ask for help and receive help. Oh, this is the hard work. This is really where it’s coming down. The book, that part was easy. Now we’re into the hard part.
Thank you for saying that. I’m receiving what you’re- just, the kind, loving words. And I appreciate that.
Molly Claire: Good. Good. Okay. So this book. Tell our audience. Why did you decide to write this book? Like, what was it that pushed you to finally make the decision to write it?
Mikki Gardner: I wanted to be able to talk to that mom out there. Because what I find so often is it, you know, you kind of get through the time where you decide, either you decide or someone else decides, okay, divorce is what we’re doing. Or separation. And you go into survival mode. It just, it is emotionally traumatizing, financially, physically, all the things, right. It’s just so much.
And then you come out like, a year or so later, it’s like the fog lifts just a little bit. And you’re like, “What the just happened to my life?” And I think that’s the part that I really wanted to start to pick up the conversation because it’s like you made these huge changes. Wasn’t that supposed to be enough? Wasn’t it supposed to be easy now?
But actually, now is when the work starts. Now is when the new journey begins. And so I really wanted to take it from that point because I know that what could have maybe been 12 months for me in my life, I’m admitting here, it was a lot longer.
I mean, I, I made a.
Molly Claire: And there’s really no timeline. Right. I mean…
Mikki Gardner: There’s not.
Molly Claire: There’s really not. It’s kind of like, I think to when, you know, you see pictures of someone in middle school and high school and it’s like, someone’s nose is like really big and out of proportion for a while or whatever. Like, these different parts of us, physically, emotionally, all of it kind of grow at different rates. And I think that’s okay. We don’t know how it’s all going to turn out as long as we keep moving forward.
Mikki Gardner: And I think, you know, I guess for me, when I look back, it was just so many avoidable mistakes. So many avoidable sort of pitfalls that I fell into, because I wasn’t getting help. Because I was just really insular, looking inward, hiding, and not getting the help that was out there. And granted, you know, 10 years ago, there wasn’t quite as much, but now there’s so much support.
And so that’s what I really wanted to offer was sort of an approachable, easy, quick read that gives you some actual tools to start picking up, right? Picking up the pace and deciding, like, “I actually have more agency. I have more available to me than I know. So how can I start to leverage that? Even just on my own.”
Cause sometimes asking for support is like too much right now. And so I wanted to just offer kind of a first step into this. And so that’s why I wrote it.
Molly Claire: Yeah. And I want to back up just a little bit. So you’re saying like, you’re in survival mode, right? You’re trying to pull it all together. And then you’re in that place where the work begins. And are you speaking specifically to the parenting as a single mom’s space? Or the personal journey space of life after divorce? Or both?
Mikki Gardner: Well, it’s both. As much as we would all love to say that we just want to learn how to co-parent so that we can make our kids lives easier. One of my mentors that I was certified under for the conscious parenting is Dr. Shefali Tisbury. And she always says, you know, it’s called parenting. Because it’s about the parents. If it were about the children, it would be called childing. It is not.
And so we have to really stop and be honest with ourselves and be more aware of what are we doing? How are we playing into this in order to be able to help our kids? And for me, that was the biggest thing is I just didn’t want this to impact my son negatively.
And a couple of years after the divorce, when I started to see those signs, I really got very angry. You know, it’s like I tried to do everything.
Molly Claire: The signs that it was having a negative impact on him. Just the divorce in general. Yeah, yeah,
Mikki Gardner: And listen, I was like, we did it the right way. You know, I was giving myself all the reasons that he shouldn’t be impacted. But life. They are impacted, right? So you can’t change that part of it.
What you can change is helping minimize that impact, helping them move through it, helping support your children. But to do that, you have to have those skills yourself.
Molly Claire: yes.
Mikki Gardner: To be able to help you so that you can be a model for your children.
And so that’s really where this book comes from. And the work that I do is really teaching you how to be a model and an example of what you want for your children.
Molly Claire: Yeah, I want to speak to this, this piece right here of you seeing how your child is being impacted. Because I think, you know, anyone listening here that has kids, whether you’re a mom, dad, single mom, single dad, we can definitely parent from guilt at times. Parent ineffectively. We can worry so much about how our kid is going to turn out. And we bring that emotional mess into our parenting, right?
And so two really things I want to point out here as to why this conversation, I think, is so important is number one: when we are parenting from urgency, from panic, from worry, from guilt, we really can’t be effective. And so a resource like this book, Mikki’s book or working with Mikki, a resource like that is imperative because we will work against ourselves.
Mikki Gardner: I think if this is that part where we have to say there’s zero judgments, blame, anything, about sort of how we all do these things, and parent the way you just said, from guilt and from fear and from urgency. In the best of scenarios, that’s just part of the process. Totally part of it.
And I think we’re divorced- kind of like it’s parenting, but upleveled, meaning like with the higher degree of difficulty, like it’s like an Olympic jump, you know, there’s like the degree of difficulty.
I think divorce adds that on oftentimes when there is conflict. Maybe when the parents are sort of not seeing eye to eye, because what it does is we then transfer all of our perspective and all of our attention over to what isn’t working. Over to the ex. To how hard things are. And then we become really focused there and that just gets magnified.
And then we definitely start to parent even more from that fear and that urgency and that overcompensating. So we’ve really got to – we don’t have to, many people don’t – but I believe we have the opportunity to really step in and decide how do I want to do this? How do I want to show up grounded, confident, clear, so that I can really be the creator of my peace? Not just trying to keep everybody peaceful.
Which is a lot of the people pleasing that I talk about. But really, how can I be the creator of my own peace? Because the ripple effect from that is massive. And that’s where I really want to help moms understand that they have the power to create a very harmonious environment for themselves and their children, regardless of what their ex is or isn’t doing.
And so that’s really the mission out there of why I wanted this book out there, and why I have these conversations and do what I do.
Molly Claire: And you know, one thing I was thinking about as you were talking, I know a lot of people experience this, they, they have these frustrations and these points of contention in their marriage, they get divorced and they think they’ve left that in the past, but guess what? You share children. You still are having to face that stuff, right? That’s the reality of it.
Mikki Gardner: A thousand percent. I was just talking on Voxter with a client today and she’s like, “I just want to escape this man”. Meaning, she just wants the divorce to be final so she can be done with him, you know. And it’s like, “Well, you’re not done with him. We’re not done with him because you have children and you’re choosing.” This is where we have to choose, how am I going to engage with this other person, so that I can support my children? Right.
And we really start to shift into choice versus how do I escape? How do I get away from? And so that’s a lot of the work, you know, that we have to learn how to do is how do I protect myself, right? Learning how to speak up with conviction. How do I hold boundaries that protect myself? How can I create my own calmness, even when things are really chaotic? Right. And that’s the work.
Molly Claire: Yes. Yes. That’s where I want to go next is into choice and agency. Because I know that is a big thing for you. And before I do, I want to just circle back where I was saying there are kind of two main things that I think are really important for us to remember and relevant when it comes to this book.
One is that idea that we all want to identify those emotions we’re bringing into parenting where we’re ineffective. And touching on the other thing that you said, Mikki, which was when you saw your child experiencing some kind of negative reaction or response or circumstances from the divorce, of course you didn’t like that.
And something that I think is worth all of us remembering is that our kids are going to experience the negative effects of circumstances in their life from us and our behaviors. From a divorce, if that’s the case. From all kinds of things that happen around us. And this is why I want to bring this up, because I know as a mom who loves my kids like crazy and would love to just like protect them and keep them from ever feeling anything, and like, someone who worries so much about how is this going to impact them moving forward, right?
That the thing that I have come to learn over and over again, and in my work, even with our master coach work, is that it’s not so much what your kids experience, but it is how they are supported through it.
So whatever your kid is experiencing, whatever they are struggling with in relation to, you know, the divorce or the family or whatever, doing this kind of work to be there for them matters. It is everything.
Okay, so choice. Agency. Tell us. Let’s talk about it.
Mikki Gardner: So, the book is really based on sort of the framework that I teach, which is three steps. And that makes it sound simplistic and, you know, sort of overly simplified. But it’s really learning how to be more aware. Stepping into the awareness. Simply meaning that we’re more conscious, we’re more awake, we’re more aware of, “Okay, I’m being triggered.” “Oh, I’m having an emotion.” “My child’s having a big emotion.” “Oh, my ex is having a reaction.”
It’s being more aware, meaning, unhooked from the drama of it and seeing things a little bit more factually, like, a little bit more clearly. That is the first step to anything, right? We can’t change anything that we’re not aware of, so awareness is always that first step. And, you know, that in and of itself is a journey that takes some time to learn how to emotionally regulate how can we sort of calm ourselves so that we can become more aware. There’s a lot around that.
The second step is really agency. And this is like sort of the, the juice, the magic of it. Is understanding the choices that you have available. Because I know, I will raise my hand. How many times do we love to say, “I have no choice. I had no choice, but to react. I had no choice, but to yell back. I had no choice, but to take away the Xbox. I had no choice…”
Like, it’s that constant. “I had no choice” is a lie. We always have choices and it’s understanding what are the choices that are available to me. And oftentimes, especially when it’s our children, or especially when it’s very high stakes, we might not like the choices available to us, but they still are the choices.
And so once we understand what those are, then we can move to the third step, which I call aligned action. It’s simply taking the action or inaction that is going to get us aligned in the direction that we want to go. And this is where I know I’ve learned so much from you, but really defining at the very beginning of the work. What are your values? What is it that you want? We’ve got to set a destination in the GPS in order to start heading there.
And so we have to understand what does that look like? What is it that I’m trying to do with the other co-parent? What kind of relationship am I trying to have? If we want one that is calm, that is collaborative, that is cooperative, well, we got to start showing up in that way.
And so that would be our aligned action, but we can’t just blindly go, “Okay, I’m just going to collaborate all the time and everything’s going to be great. And then the other person’s going to be wonderful.” Right? That’s just toxic positivity and that doesn’t get us anywhere. But it’s really sort of reverse engineering to understand, “Okay, how do I need to think, and how do I need to feel in order to be able to take the actions that I want? What’s going to create more of that?” and then we can always use these three steps to move through, you know, deciding what it is that we do or don’t do.
You asked about the agency and so let’s stay here for a second. The universe made it super simple because there’s only three choices. And this is the great part about the world is things aren’t all that complicated, you know. Like, you go back to any of the wisdom teachings, whether it’s the Bible, whether it’s Buddha, whether it’s, you know, whatever, it’s all pretty much like there’s similar truths lying through it and I’m a seeker of the truth. And so I’m always looking for that through line.
The through line that I’ve come to understand is really this awareness piece. Agency and this aligned action, right? It’s actually from all of these wisdom teaching, but the universe does like to make things super simple for us. We need simplicity. So we can accept something, we can change it, or we can leave it. If there is another option that anyone knows, please let me know right away because I haven’t figured it out.
But we can either accept something meaning, “Can I accept this person, place, or thing as it is without changing anything and move on?” Here’s the key without anger or resentment. If you can do that, great. We don’t need to have a conversation around it. You accept and off you go.
Molly Claire: And accepting doesn’t mean I would choose this behavior or I would choose this to be the way, but it is this way and I have acceptance with that being the way.
Mikki Gardner: Correct. And a lot of times we’re like, “Yeah, I accept it.” But we’re like seething.
Molly Claire: With our teeth gritted. “I accept this.”
Mikki Gardner: “I accept it.” Right? So that’s not accepting. So we can’t.
So then we go to change. “Okay. Can I change something?” Now here’s the kicker. We all know, you know, any of us life coaches out there, we know you cannot change other people. As much as we still continue to try. I try all the time. I’m like, “Maybe this is the time I can change them.” No. Still doesn’t work.
But is there something that I can change about how I am energetically, emotionally, or physically showing up to this situation that will shift it? And then the follow up question, if there is something you can do, do you want to? Because there’s a lot of times where like, I could not say anything, but I don’t want to.
Molly Claire: You’ve got to be honest with yourself for that question.
Mikki Gardner: Yes. Yes. So that’s change. If we can’t do either of those, well, then leave. And as someone who’s in the divorce space, people are always saying, “Well, I don’t want to get divorced.” I’m not talking about that. When I say leave, I mean, can we leave it energetically? Can we leave it figuratively? Literally, you know, physically leave. And so we have to understand is, can I leave this situation?
So I use this all the time because I think so many of us can relate to it – is, I’m not sure when this happened, but it seems like all of a sudden, almost all communication is done via text. And especially in the co-parenting space, it’s like, “Okay, I can’t handle him, so I’m just only going to text him.”
This is a recipe for disaster because text is meant for yes and no questions. Did you pick up toilet paper at the store? Does little Johnny have his soccer cleats? You know, is the sky blue? These are the kinds of things that text is meant for. Not a conversation that is nuanced and has complexity and needs to be discussed, but that’s what we’re using it for.
So oftentimes what I see is co parents getting into these nasty grand battles, where one will sense an innocent enough Comment like, you know, “Does Debbie have her leotard for dance in her backpack?”
Cause it’s transition day, you know, and the other co-parent comes back. “How dare you, you’re always blaming me for everything.”
And then you’re like, “No, no, no, no.”
So you try to over explain and then they come back and attack you again. You’re like, darn it. And then you go in. And now we’re in the cycle of nasty-gram. This is one of those moments where you have to stop. “Okay. I’m aware. I’m in the nasty-gram cycle. I’m aware I’m triggered. I’m aware thatI that I don’t wanna be here.”
Okay. That’s awareness. Now we move to, can I accept these nasty things that are being said? No, I can’t. Right. And can I change it? I can’t change them coming in. No. I can’t change that. This is happening. So what can I do? Well, I can actually leave this conversation. I can say I will not participate in disrespectful communication. Let me know when you’re ready to talk, or let me know when we can have a discussion about this, you know, or you just simply leave the conversation.
So it’s really understanding because so much, and I think we all know is, you feel like you have to defend yourself, but defense is the first act of war. And so really, learning how to, when is it time to leave? When is it time to engage? When can we change and shift a situation? When can we not? When do we need to step into acceptance, if it’s available to us?
So agency is really about learning how to, what are the choices that I have and how can I use them? And this I think is a perfect segue for those coaches, like sort of with their businesses. Because so often we feel like in our businesses, “Well, I have no choice. I’m stuck.” Or, “It’s not going the way I want,” or this and that. And it’s really like, okay, let’s stop. And actually, let’s figure out what do I have available to me? How can I start to step into the agency I have, and really move forward and create the change we want?
Molly Claire: Oh, it’s so true, right? Because that conversation of, “I have no choice”, it can be in the business space. “Well, I have to spend time doing this on Instagram” or, “I have no choice, but to do this because this is the only thing that works,” and all of it’s nonsense. None of it’s true, right?
It’s like, Mikki, you and I know in working with coaches, there are so many ways to build a business. There are so many options of where and how you start. And so I love that you brought that in. Because as you’re listening, hopefully you’re getting some phenomenal insights into your own parenting and relationships, and where is that awareness, agency, and alignment as you move your business forward too, right? All these truths. I love that you say that.
Like, I always say that truth is found everywhere. Where are the threads of truth that we find throughout all walks of life? In nature, in teachings. It’s everywhere. And I just love that you’ve brought these simple three things together here
Mikki Gardner: Yeah. And I do think too, I was just thinking about it. It’s, you know, being a seeker of the truth. I think it’s such an important skill to model for our children because there’s so much noise out there. And teaching our children how to actually start to make decisions for themselves, how to form their own opinions, how to interact with, you know, a lot of judgments or things. You know, really teaching them how to find these truths too, I’ve realized is earlly contingent on our ability to do it.
And so, you know, as I have one of those quote unquote, strong willed children, which is what brought me to the conscious parenting space, you know, AKA the kid that doesn’t succumb to all the normal techniques – we call them strong willed now – you know, but he’s opinionated. And I’ve taught him, you know, I’m a firm believer.
Not everyone agrees with me. I hear it all the time. I believe for him to be able to really use his voice in the world, to be able to be a good communicator, a good negotiator, someone who can be in relationship, he has to learn how to use his voice. And so to do that, he has to practice, you know, age andstage appropriate with me.
And so, you know, we have a lot of conversations around all of these concepts. And I think it really introduces an interesting dynamic. And that’s what we’re seeing in the world, is allowing and helping and supporting our children. But it’s probably one of the most challenging things, because you’re like, “Just listen to me. I know what the right answer is. Just listen to me and it’ll be easier.” Right? But that’s not his journey. And so it’s all a process.
Molly Claire: It is. Well, this is amazing. I want to say a couple things about this idea of people pleasing. And then Mikki is offering all of you, as my listeners, something super cool. So I’m going to have her tell you about that in just a minute. But I want to speak to, right, the book is titled The People Pleasers Guide to Co-Parenting Well.
And I think sometimes we imagine people pleasers as just doormats, kind of. They just get blown over. They’re just very soft, and that can definitely be the case. And also it can show up much differently than that. And so one of the things I want to acknowledge as, Mikki, as you were kind of giving that example of leaving that conversation and saying, “Okay, I can choose to leave this conversation.”
As Mikki was speaking, you could hear, feel, sense, experience a peace within Mikki as she said that. And I think sometimes ironically our people pleasing behaviors come out as irritation where, because we don’t know how to have kind respectful boundaries set for ourselves, it manifests in that irritation.
And so I just wanted to point that out. Because any of you that don’t like when someone else is upset with you, or disagrees with you, or, you know, think something negatively about you, this book would probably be helpful. How’s that? True?
Mikki Gardner: True statement. Yeah. So many of us are people pleasers, right? And
Molly Claire: Oh my gosh, yes.
Mikki Gardner: I don’t want to knock people pleasing. Because listen, people pleasing is a healthy part of relationship, right? You want to be helpful and loving and accommodating for the people that you love. And those of us that are, like, we’re awesome and really good. We are awesome. And who doesn’t love a good people pleaser?
I mean, people love us and we’re really efficient and we get so much stuff done. And I think it’s really not something to condemn ourselves on because I think it can actually be a really beautiful strength.
The part that you’re acknowledging, and I think is so important, is the shadow side where we’re prioritizing other people’s feeling, other people’s opinions, and pleasing them at the expense of ourselves, right? And that’s when we know that when we’re just trying to keep the peace. It’s like scrambling around trying to make sure that everybody’s happy and nobody’s upset and everything’s okay. That comes at the expense of your own internal peace. And that’s what I am a proponent of talking about and stopping.
We can still be the amazing part of the helpful, loving, accommodating people pleaser, that’s great. But what we want to look at is really that shadow side of when it really steps in. And we know that we are people pleasing in the negative, the shadow side, because the root cause of it is really our own inability to handle the discomfort and the unease we feel in our body.
So when you notice the uneasiness, the discomfort, the negative feelings that you’re having in your own body, and you start to overcompensate all over. It’s like that scrambling, that urgency, that need, that’s where we want to look at people pleasing. And really learning how to get out of that automatic response and step into this sort of responsibility as I call it, the ability to respond of looking at, am I aware? What is my agency? And what is the action that I have to take?
Molly Claire: Oh my gosh. This is so good. Okay. Well, we’re going to wrap up this episode. And just as we finish up, I want to say a few things, and then Mikki’s going to tell you how you can get a workbook to go along with her book.
Any of you that are parents, that are participating in helping to raise a child, whether it’s your own, any of you even close to the parenting space, I highly recommend this book. Any of you who are interested in improving relationships and resonate with these ideas Mikki is giving you, definitely read this book.
And all of you, as coaches here, continue to educate yourself. You are inevitably going to have clients who are experiencing these challenges. And as we’ve also stated, these very concepts are so relevant to your business.
So I’m just, I’m so happy that you have this work out. It’s amazing, Mikki. And so thank you again for, for being brave enough to put it out in the world.
Mikki Gardner: Thank you.
Molly Claire: Yeah. Tell, tell my audience how they can find you and what you’re offering them.
Mikki Gardner: Yeah. So I tried to make everything easy. Everything’s just my name. My website and Instagram. It’s Mikki Gardner. And I did create a workbook that goes along with this. It is a massive, little jam pack, so many exercises and things so that you can really take the concepts and then start to apply it.
These are great things that you can use with your clients too, right? Like, these different exercises. So it’s a free downloadable workbook. All you have to do is send me a picture of you with the book or your receipt from buying the book and DM it to me on Instagram. And I will send you the link for the downloadable version.
Molly Claire: Amazing. Amazing. Thank you so, so much.
Mikki Gardner: Sure. Thank you. All right. Thank you for having me. I’m so grateful to you and all you do and the goodness you put in the world.
Molly Claire: Absolutely. It’s a pleasure to have you. Of course.
All right. Thank you so much, everyone. I’ll talk with you next time. Bye.
Outro: Thanks for listening to the masterful coach podcast. Are you ready to build your amazing business with Molly as your coach? Check out www.MollyClaire.com to find out about Masterful Coach Foundations and the 10K Accelerator method. It’s the ultimate support for you as a coach building your ideal life and business.
Molly Claire is a 7-figure business builder with a blended family of 10. She is dedicated to helping women overcome their own limits, make the money they want, and have the time, freedom, and flexibility to be with the people in their lives that matter most. Especially the little ones.
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